Words from Amelia

someday

2011-07-25T21:31:00.001-05:00

No one told her life would be this hard. No one said that she, at 35, would be taking care of her mother and grandmother while raising her two children on her own. No one told her that all of her goals would have been put on hold at age 19 because a young man couldn’t understand the word no and she accepted the life of single motherhood. She did what she had to do, grinned and bared it. She made it through two terrible marriages. She made through the lies of a five year relationship built on the trust of the heart of a woman who believe in the best of everyone, even when the best really isn’t there. She still tries to see the good when there is nothing but horrid darkness around her. Even when there is nothing left, she hopes that there is. She still tries to believe in the Cinderella story even though she turned into a pumpkin long ago. Someday, maybe, things will all work out

Everyone needs love, right?

2010-11-22T15:53:00.001-05:00

What happens when you’re missing the “love” gene? Are you destined to be alone, is there anyone out there strong enough to crack the hard, icy exterior you have had to create in order to survive? Are you worth the risk of losing everything just to be with you? You hope and pray that you are not completely broken, that there is a small, glimmer of hope shining deep inside. You hope that there is something out there, waiting in on the horizon hiding in the darkness that consumes you. You want beyond reason to be close rather than the arms length person you have always been, always untrusting of the other. You know that you’re going to have to reach deep, pull hard to find what you’re looking for. Everyone needs love, right?

Hidden

2010-11-08T13:31:00.001-05:00

You sit in the room alone, waiting for a sign that life isn’t going to be just staring at the walls. You wait to hear some form of sound, some ray of light that will enable you to escape the life you have learned to live. You have become lost in your own life, unable to find it for your too busy helping others live theirs. You see the world as if you’re looking through a window, yet you cannot open it to let life wash over you. You scream into the darkness yet no one can hear you, no one knows you’re there. You walk through life hearing the sounds of laughter, of love, of friendships, yet you cannot allow yourself to join for it will all end in hurt for you cannot give them the time they need or want. Friends drift away, unable to understand the time consuming responsibilities you have and have always had. They leave feeling shunned when all you wanted more than anything was to be free, to be able to make them feel nothing but loved and needed, you just didn’t have anything left. Ice princess, cold and unfeeling, is what you hear. No one remembers the loyalty and warmth you had before you were drawn into the depth of what you live, they only see the girl that crosses her arms to hold out the world. The girl that looks at her shoes to hide the tears that are ready to burst forth any minute, threatening her persona of strong and hard. The girl who would rather you think she was unfeeling, cold, and aloof then show you that she was scared of everything.

Words

2010-10-27T16:16:00.000-05:00

Words are words, for most of us think, to form simple sentences to make up conversation to pass the time or to retrieve information. Hellos and Goodbye’s expressed as gestures of good will. We seldom really listen to those words nor do we seldom use them to make sure that those who need to hear words hear them. We are so fast-paced in this world we forget to say them before it is too late or listen to something someone said before they were gone. Words are the most important tool we are given in this life; they can make us heard, understood, loved, hated, important, belittled, and comforted. They are the lifeline between us and those around us. We must always remember to tell those around us exactly what we are feeling, exactly when we feel. Damn the consequences or hesitation, life is but a fleeting glimmer that we must embrace daily. We forget that, and then it is gone.

The hope for new.

2010-10-26T10:49:00.001-05:00

A young girl, looks out her window watching the world go by. She sits and dreams that she is out with them, living life to the fullest instead of being trapped in her quiet, boring life. She longs to run with care-free abandon, to feel the cool, crisp night air hit her face and remind her she is alive. She longs to visit different places, to make memories to cover the ones that live with her now. She longs to escape the painful past that haunts her every day, to forget even though she has forgiven. She longs to look into someone’s eyes and see the passion that has eluded her. She longs for a day where she doesn’t feel alone, she doesn’t feel as if she is fighting to be there. She just longs for life.

Suffocation

2010-10-25T09:31:00.001-05:00

So many of us walk through the day, stoic, putting on the best face possible. Defeating our odds, the walls that surround us that we are determined not to let get the better of us. Then occasionally, some of us realize that we cannot fight all the demons that are thrust at us. We find little pieces of who we are, who we used to be, and who we still hope and pray we will be again. We let life, trials and tribulations, rule the path instead of demanding our path fall in line with us. We settle. We settle for things that suffocate the person within. We say we don’t need this or that, that we can be something else for the sake of the greater good in a situation, but really, we can’t. We have to face the dreams lost, the “other” us in the mirror everyday. We have to face that which we do not let others face with us. We think we are hiding what we have hidden, but someone will notice, someone will see the depth to which you hide who you really are, good or bad. We realize we are not the only one who hears the screaming coming from far away; it is usually though the other person that realizes that screaming is coming ourselves.

What is Love?

2010-05-19T12:16:00.000-05:00

What is love? Is it just a feeling, a thought, an action, or is it all of it? Has anyone figured out how to explain love? How to put it into words so that someone can understand what “love” consists of? How do we muttle through if one person’s version of “love” is different than the other? Can these two co-exist with each other, or is it just an affair doomed from the start? Even the most perfectly matched pair seems to fall if the version of “love” is not matched correctly. How do we know which love is right or wrong, or is all love right and we just have to learn to accept within ourselves the version of “love” that is right for us and handle the pain when we realize it is not with whom we thought.

Facebook

2010-03-13T12:44:00.001-05:00

Being on Facebook is like watching high school reruns on occasions. I have been faced with the all to astounding notion that, unfortunately, immaturity does not improve with age for some people. I have watched people friend others that were just absolutely cruel to them in high school, and wonder what on EARTH would that person have to say to the other all these years later? I have watched as one person totally wrote off another friend that they had for 20 years because they did not like the person they were going to marry. ASTOUNDING? Really, friendship is that superficial? I have watched people who barely know each other form friendships that are more meaningful then ones that they have had for years, and watched others drift away silently. Facebook really is quite a place to people watch. It would probably make quite a thesis for someone somewhere I would imagine. I am probably missing the boat on this one? AH well, if you do, send me my kudos where due thank you.

Facebook | Creative Thinking

2009-12-08T14:17:00.000-05:00

Facebook Creative Thinking

The hardest things are when you least expect them.

2009-09-15T10:04:00.003-05:00

The last thing that you want to face in life is the fight for life of your best friend. In a rare case, my best friend happens to be my mother. Since birth, we have shared a bond that I do believe is rare and unbreakable. I was born with a disorder that bonded us, that made it impossible for us to be apart. We wept together, we laughed together, and we fought together. We have made it through unspeakable journeys, we have lived through teen pregnancy, we have both pain stakingly watched my grandmother transform from a vivacious woman to a feable one. Now, as I grow older I watch my mother in a fight for her life. I have never experienced anything as difficult, for I do not know how to live without my mother. I want to hold her and tell her I will never be the same without her, that no matter what we have been through, I will never be able to be that close to anyone. That I cannot bear the thought of not picking up the phone and have her on the other end of the line. That I want her to see me finally be happy, to marry the man of my dreams. I know I cannot, that I have to be brave. That I am the one who is the strong one now, I will have to hold her hand when she cries, or when she is feeling ill. I will weep for her so she cannot see me. I will make sure she has the best of the time she has left, however long that may be. My mother is the greatest woman on earth, I can only hope that in the end, I can be her hero, as she has been mine.

Torn between the life wanted, the life needed, and the life in between.

2009-02-19T23:04:00.000-05:00

How do you survive that, how do you find your footing when you cannot have what you want, have to fight for what you need, and struggle to find the strength to be ok with what you have to do in the mean time? What if the life wanted never comes? What if it does, but you’re so spent from what you have had to do to that point you cannot enjoy it? When the life you need is never in reach, you never attain it. You live in the in between, watching others have the needed and wanted lives, and your forced to stuff so many feelings because nothing can change it.

A Dream

2009-02-11T23:08:00.001-05:00

Words of laughter, words of love. Finding time, making time. Being important, feeling important. Losing loneliness, finding faith. Family importance, real family. Support, kindness, romance. Being needed, finding a need.

This is a dream of love, of real love. Have you realized the dream?

Later Factor

2008-08-15T21:54:00.001-05:00

Sit and wait, it is the inevitable answer that life is always handing you. The corner is not just a time out for two year olds, it is the place in which you have been put and must stay for the majority of your life while the rest of the world rushes by. You hear the world is what you make of it, you only get out of it what you put into it but no matter how hard you try it just is not enough to make that stick. You’re not enough, not enough to make anything worth while. You’re the later factor, the later factor for the whole world. Everyone will get to it later. You have to get to it now, your responsible for everything and everyone. Responsible for so much for so long, so much so that you do not know who you are. YOU were lost so long ago, lost in a dark world that hides behind the perpetual smile that can only be pasted for so long before it has to break. Shameful do you feel when it does, not wanting anyone to see when it does. Trying to hide all the reasons why, for your not supposed to feel, need to feel, know how to feel.

feelings.

2008-07-30T08:10:00.003-05:00

Scared, bewildered, happy, in love, miserable, alone, forgotten, comfortable, and incredibly frightened.

Can we survive ourselves?

2008-05-17T08:53:00.001-05:00

I received a video from a friend recently that unhinged my writers block and set my mind free on a whirlwind of thoughts. This country is in a decline of serious proportions. We can blame presidents, we can blame senior leadership, however when it comes right down to it we only can blame ourselves. I say this because we allow our government to be soft, unyielding in their appointments with hidden agendas. We are letting our country die and no one is willing to stand up for the fight. We are a country who, without realizing it, condemns our soldiers for fighting for us. We obliterate their missions and their pride with our words of protest. Yes, we have the right to protest, but how far are we willing to go before we understand that we are protesting the wrong things? You say that we should leave the war, but do you know why you say that? Have you done the research in which to stand on your principle belief? You say that we are too vile in our ways of getting answers, but we allow thousands of Americans and other societies to be brutally murdered and tortured without a word. We as a people need to rise up and face the outside world as a strong a nation as we were in earlier years. Newt Gringrich stated this, “In World War II, in 4 years we defeated Nazi Germany, Fascist Italy, and Imperial Japan”. In going on his statement, we must go within ourselves and ask the question why or how did that take place. How did our country, in age far behind in technology as we are today, take a simpler way and a shorter time frame? The answer is simple if not blunt; we simple do not care about our country. There are no more days of old where people got together to boost the moral of our soldiers, we are just to busy fighting against the cause. Americans, we were hit on our soil. It was not the first and it will not be the last. Did we do it the right way, maybe not. However, we must stand and fight for we are not safe in our little world anymore. There are masses of people, out there just waiting for the chance to destroy America. The sad part is at this point, they do not have to lift a finger, for we as Americans are doing a good job of it on our own.

Unrequited Love

2008-02-02T14:23:00.002-05:00

You sit and you wait, wait for some sign that you’re not just waiting for some empty end. That everything your going through, everything you have felt, will feel, and are feeling isn’t just one sided, that the love is just as big on both ends of the road. You live in a world of quiet love, secretive love, one-sided love. You hear the stories of the past, told that you can never relive those for that part of life is gone, you can only live for what you can scrounge up. You hear stories of things that still happen, but without you, things that should happen for you too, but cannot and will not for you are to far apart for those things- both physically and mentally. For you represent both hope and hurt which is something that may never be able to be conquered. You are punished for what you have never done nor been given a chance to prove wrong. You smile quietly as you pretend to understand why you are so shut out, because you have been hurt just as much, maybe even more so and have still chosen to let in this love. You sit and wonder what could possible be the misfiring in you that makes this the most unconceivable thought, completely loving you. What is so completely lacking in you that just makes you this unwanted, unloved, un-needed? You try to answer this question, but it is lost for you have no answers. You will never have answers for you are to afraid to ask the questions, afraid of losing what you hold most dear to you, this one-sided love is the love of your life, the love you have had since you were very young. You would take a one-sided love and little attention that you do receive over none at all, for unrequited love is just as romantic even if it is the most painful.

Living Life in Fear

2008-02-02T14:23:00.001-05:00

Living life in fear, so many do it and yet so many do not fully understand the meaning. Some fear what might happen if they give their heart again. For others, it is just the fear of getting out of bed in the morning because they have no idea what may lie ahead of them as their feet hit that cold, hard floor. Then for some, it is just the fear of life. The fear of everything that has come before, what is happening, and what is coming. The fact that they must live their lives completely for other people, not a moment for themselves, nothing ever being asked about what it is they might want. Nothing in place except for the lives of everyone around them, sitting quietly in a dark room waiting for the next command, the altercation that is waiting around the bend, sitting hoping that they forget about them-forget that they exist just even for a moment. Letting them have a minute of a life that could be theirs, even if it is really just a fantasy. Alone in the room realizing that even the life ahead is what is going to be totally of what someone else can do, and lived through the eyes of another, even though this life is different, even though in a odd, sometimes lonely way, they will loved in this way. Living as they do, living in fear of your own life, of your own daily tasks, is a hard, bumpy road to live down. Sometimes it is concealed in a lovely package, none ever knowing what truly lies beneath the surface. Those who live in fear hide from the world outside of themselves, for it is too hard for them to truly see what it is that they cannot be or ever have. For in the real world, rescues are only on DVD’s.

Compromises and Conversations

2008-01-28T20:27:00.000-05:00

Finding common ground is more than just a series of compromises and conversations, it is about remembering what it is that makes the other person so unique and special to you and bringing that to the front of your mind when you feel the world coming in and crashing. We tend to allow life to overwhelm not only us but everything around us, including those we love. We forget that even though we see each other through thick and thin, sometimes our hearts are not as tough as our skins. Even the strongest of us have a point where we just want scream and throw up the white flag in defeat because we just seem not to be able to accomplish anything positive or do anything to help ease the situation except cause more turmoil and more stress. Life is not a perfect scene of moonlight and roses, it is a never ending road of bumps, curves, twists, and turns that can make you smile, cry, laugh, scream, and everything in between all at the same time. Sometimes you just cannot help the way life has been or is going to be, but you can help the way you live it.

Extra Baggage: and I don't Mean Fat!

2008-01-28T20:25:00.000-05:00

Why must society label women who have children as “baggage” or “damaged goods”? Have we been tested in a laboratory somewhere in some remote corner of the globe and research shows the statistics are not in your favor if you are to start a relationship with us? How is our baggage so different than that of others? Maybe we are smarter, wiser, and plain realize the crap that we will and will not put up with and that makes us harder to attain and therefore to label is easier than to pursue. We endure so much as single mothers with our never-ending schedules and limited sleep and then we must add to that the struggle of having to overcome the stigma of “worthlessness” in the eyes of society and try to make a life as a single woman as well. Our beds are just as empty, just as needful- but a bit harder to crawl into. It doesn’t make us Queens of Ice or unreachable, just means we come to the table with a little more knowledge, a bit of integrity, and tad of skeptism that if your willing to chip at it, you could find exactly what you have been looking for.

Omission or Admission?

2007-12-30T11:15:00.000-05:00

What is so hard about admitting truth? When we hide it, we hurt those around us. Maybe it is just a small omission and only for a short time, or maybe it is something you keep hidden out of fear and it is for a long time, and it is something that you keep from those in which you love. They find out the omission and are hurt by it, trying to figure out if it is something they have done, said, or just maybe it is them that have made you omit this. Keeping secrets is tricky thing; to some it isn’t really keeping secrets it is keeping personal personal. To others, it is personal. It is showing that the importance of everything may not be as much to one as it is the other, or maybe secrets are kept because it is only supposed t be a secret and you’re starting to finally realize it.

America the Blind?

2007-12-30T11:03:00.000-05:00

As an American, I sit here bewildered as we approach the final hour’s candidates and searching for those who will represent the two parties, even if we define them as the two parties anymore. I say that because we have gotten lost in a jumble of greed, power, terror, and strife and have lost the vision in which we ever founded this country. Instead of worrying how a person will lead our country in and out of battle, how they will define our country in economic hardship or surplus; we instead question the propaganda of their faith and how their religion could affect their ability to lead. We are focusing on color, gender, and faith completely ignoring the words “All Men Are Created EQUAL”. We were founded on the notion of rising from the opposition and force of powerful families and powerful sects, yet we allow them to dowse our political platforms with unyielding nonsense and wishy-washy stances just to say “VOTE”. Are we going to be pressured to vote just because they say; it would good for our country for a woman to lead? What if she isn’t qualified, do we still allow her to run our futures because of our past? They say vote because it would be good for our country for an African-American to be in charge? Why? Because of our past, because of a mistake or is he the best for the job? We need to find a place for ourselves past the color, past the gender, and past the faith. We need to find faith in ourselves again and find where it was we started, when we believed in One Nation, Under God and we were not punished for saying it. We need to find ourselves and go back to where we can freely speak out about our parties and have knowledge, not just what was on the scroll at the bottom of CNN or Fox News. We need to put effort and pride back into our country before we bury Her in a pile of self-absorption of greed, lies, and heresy.

The Grinch and Cindy Lou Who

2007-12-18T20:41:00.000-05:00

A Fairy tale cannot be told until it is complete, as so this story will not be played out just yet. However, as it where, this story is just beginning. A story of a long awaited fairy tale, twisted as it might be, of two people who may not have been right at the time but are right at this time. A Grinch with a heart of ice, being melted bit by bit by little Cindy Lou Who whom he never saw coming. A small meeting that turned into quite the love affair, turning to very lonesome kindred spirits into a inseparable being. Even though she is so scared of her life engulfing him and scaring him, and as scared as he is of loving her- they keep going. This is the ultimate story of time tested love, affection, and plain old-fashion fairy tales.

It Is Not Always What It Seems To Be.

2007-10-14T15:40:00.000-05:00

You sit patiently waiting, waiting for that moment where you can breathe without pain. Without feeling like the weight of the world is sitting right there on your chest, you needing to lift it each and every time you exhale. You’re spinning in a whirlwind trying to catch yourself at every turn, only to find one more spin is in your future. You have built your life around being the “strong one”, so no one knows that you’re crumbling on the inside that you’re just a step away from gone. You know that you have made choices that you must live with in life, but how long must you suffer for them? How long do you need to sit and watch life go by because you chose to stand by even when someone else did not?

Sometimes, people make choices because they have to, not because they want to. They may not have a real option in the matter and whether they really want to or not, their lives are up-heaved and turned upside down because someone else has another plan, or needs them for awhile. Unfortunately, during that time, those who take them may not realize that even though they are happy and content with how life has turned out, the other may just be miserable and completely alone. Sometimes, you must look past the end of your ocean view, because the girl at the end of it may not be taking in the picturesque view- she may just be looking for a way out.

Why Give Up the Power?

2007-09-12T06:38:00.001-05:00

Why do we give other people power to say what we can feel, what we can, and how we can say it? When did the fears and anxiety of what might happen or could happen start to take over the need to be whole, true, and peaceful with our inner self before making others that way? A rock cannot be a rock if it is crumbled can it? For if your in a million little pieces by the end, after the current of unyielding tides have washed over and have battered away at you for years and your rubble, there is no way you can stand strong for those your love for you can not longer stand for yourself. I have watched a long time friend of mine care for his/her family (names protected for the innocent here), and watched the progression over time. The constant pressure, beat downs are sewn in with love and bought basically. My friend has a wonderful life on the outside with a beautiful home, gorgeous family, and to listen them talk a very fruitful life. To dig however into that life is a crazy, topsy-turvy world full of heart-ache, despair and more horrific than any V.C Andrews novel ever created.

From Brick Wall to Rubble.

2007-08-27T07:57:00.000-05:00

There was this girl, a time ago. She had visions of how her life should have gone, looking out windows from time to time dreaming of what would have been, could have been. Always keeping her head above water, this girl always knew that she had to be strong, hard; she had to be cold to be able to live. She couldn’t let anyone in. She was living a life punishing her for the mistakes that others had made along with her. She made them herself, but she did not make them alone. She was embittered, wounded though she made it though. Day in and day out, she made the beds, meals. She mended the “war” scars and kissed the boo-boos. She read “Where the wild Things are” at least a thousand times as they drifted off to sleep, keeping the ringer off because she never dared let anyone in her time. She let a few in, mistakenly thinking that it was ok. Friends, others- she should have known better. Now, here in the present-she has become a woman. Still making meals, beds are made not by her but by the growing ones that stand before her no longer needing as much from her but still needing. Battles are more present then kissing boo-boo’s as hormones rage and muscles are flexed. This now woman as become a bit warmer in her age, she has turned on her ringer, opening her world even though that thought still scares her still makes her wonder if anyone really wants to be apart of this. She has started taking down the wall that she so painstaking built, harden by years she picks at it daily realizing that she needs to. That she has waited so long to be able to do this that she owes to them to her to break it down. She never thought she would utter those words, the phrases, but she has. It felt good, and for once she actually smiled.

Pieces.

2007-08-22T13:02:00.001-05:00

Everyone, no matter in what capacity, has a past that precedes the current venture in which they are finding themselves partaking in. May that venture be a relationship, a new career, or just new path in life? Which ever that may be, the past before it creates blocks, curves, and twists in which we base our reactions to the new path that lies before us. Some of us pick up these pieces, one at a time, hoping that by the time we reach the end, we will have slowly but surely put them back together in the way they were meant to be laid out. Others just head strong their way through it, hoping without hope that eventually that end of the line is a hell of a lot brighter than the start of it. Either of us right, no one knows but we all must try out our own way of coping and prodding through. It’s the only way to survive this crazy world. It is never easy, finding out where we belong. Maybe we just can’t “belong” anywhere. Maybe we weren’t meant to just stay in “one” place. Maybe that is just a cynics way of verbally making her life seem better by stating what her life is what is supposed to be, rather than making what could be the path that should be.

Moments

2007-08-17T21:37:00.000-05:00

You float along, listening to life whistle around you like a gale force wind thinking that it will never slow down. Then for one moment, a moment you never thought would happen in your crazy, messed up existence time stands still. People around you are still moving, breathing but in your circle time is stopped. The motion around you is still, your so caught up in the moment of what is happening to you that the air is heavy, motionless. Almost like you are meant never to forget the memory that is being created right then, that is it to be forever ingrained in time. It is perfect, perfect for you. For no one or no thing is perfect except for what you see in your mind as perfect for you.

More Than Words

2007-07-06T10:23:00.000-05:00

As you browse the books at your local bookstore, you notice numerous titles on “how to”, everything from fixing your computer to fixing yourself. The question we really have to ask is, can you really rely on a book to fix it all? Can we rely on words to heal, fix, or wash away the past, present, or future? It is something that I sat and pondered for a bit, trying to find words to express certain emotions or feelings that I just could not express. Words can only be the frosting of the whole cake if you will, the top of entire project. It is the actions and physical work that you put into something that makes it worth anything. The intricate details of the work in progress are so much more important that the words you can use to express how you’re going about it, or how you have gotten to where you are. It is showing how you got there that is the great reward. Sometimes, we all forget that we have to put a little “humph” behind our words, behind the speeches, behind the “I love you”, behind the past. It is easy to get lost or caught up in words, some of us find it hard to believe in words, some of us chose our words carefully and only say things that we truly feel. Talking is a wonderful form of expression, however, so is physical emotion or actual hard work. For some, that is more meaningful then a colorful phrase or a beautifully turned verse

Damn the Radio

2007-06-29T16:58:00.001-05:00

You sit in your room, quiet and small. The silence is deafening, you reach for the radio and turn the dial to on. Suddenly you are thrown from deafening silence to obliterating emotions with every station change. You are swiftly thrown onto a roller coaster of thoughts, fears, dreams that you were trying to hide in the dark silence of your room in the first place. You have no where to run. It all follows you like a dark shadow in the alley way that you were always told not to turn down. There is no silence, for silence is louder than sound and words are tortuous to the soul. TO much is said, too little is said. It is a never ending cycle that will not stop unless the world stops. Is that a choice or an inclination? For some, for others it is just a fleeting thought for we must endure the world with our responsibilities, crosses to bear, and our never ending “have to’s.

Save the Last Dance?

2007-06-24T12:50:00.000-05:00

Thoughts jumbled, mind racing. You cannot even start to wrap your mind around what in the hell is happening to you. You pick up the phone twenty times just to put it back down again, shaking your head that you even picked it up. You stop yourself by screaming into the mirror, asking what it is that you think you are doing. You look yourself dead in the eyes, asking the ultimate question- Can you do this? Is this actually something you can accomplish? You leave a trail of mass destruction behind you farther and wider than any hurricane or Tsunami ever recorded. You know you are incapable of bullshit, intolerable of closeness, yet you stand here completely vulnerable because you, the iron wall of emotions and strength have been completely obliterated. You have no idea who the person there in mirror is staring back at you, this person who has this incessant need to touch, feel, and speak to another human being. You’re the one who goes home at night to the house of chaos and closes themselves in, not to be bothered with the rest of the world. A closed book who does not need friends nor lovers, but only those who have to be involved in the life on a necessary basis. Oh unfathomable it is that you are realizing that someone has cracked that shell, that shell of harden life that has been there for so very long, as long as you can remember. You do not let people in, for that is your protection. You allow them only so far, as to keep your pieces whole and your mind intact. You do not say the words that mean so much for you do not mean them when you say them. However, you have said them and it scared the living hell out of you. Do they know that you meant it? Do they know that you do not want to take those words back, that you want them to be out there, to resonate with them, to stay with them so they know that they mean the world to at least one soul on this earth? Do they know that the insides of you are twisted in this complete and utter state of turmoil because they know that it is a such a risk loving them, for you know that it could come crashing down at any moment. That they, as you, are a complete free spirit not to be tamed, and your heart knows that at any moment the “we need to talk” conversation is right around the corner. Never have you fallen, never have you fallen for someone. You have cared, you have tripped. However, in your lifetime you have kept your balance only teetering a few times. You’re in a tail-spin of epic proportions, only holding on to the notion of “ 80”. Your heart and mind knowing what a struggle, but realizing that the wait you have had has been harder then the dance you must endure now. For now you must only hope that their dance card is not full, and that they do save the last dance for you.

My Grandmother.

2007-06-22T08:34:00.000-05:00

Sitting on the end of the bed, watching in silence as I see the years ravage my grandmother, I seem to be humbled. This once vibrant, vivacious woman turned into a small child in such a short amount of time. How life can go from bliss to cruelty in such a swift and seemlingless movement is like watching a tornado as it skips across the plain picking and choosing its targets as if it were aiming for one in particular. Misty eyed, I talk with her hoping that some glimmer of the past or the present will rekindle some spark, some flame of hope that is buried deep within her. That somewhere the fighter that I have come to base my entire existence around will surface and once again my life will be whole. There are flickers, quick glimpses of “Wahty” there in the eyes of woman before me. I know that life is life, and this woman-this lady of grandeur has had one hell of a ride. She has seen depression, love lost-love gained and lost again. She had a marriage like no other. My grandfather, bless his soul, was not a man that many would have been able to take. A strong-willed, quick tempered Irishman who knew exactly what he wanted, when he wanted it and that was that. He was a homebody, not one to travel. However, what he did do was love my grandmother with his entire soul. There was not one shred of doubt that my grandfather loved my grandmother, for that was the ultimate romance. War-driven love, hard-working man, it was classic. Sometimes I think I see her fading into memories as I watch her eyes glass over and we lose her for a day. She has faded into the bliss of what was, and I really cannot blame her. For, how many of us can say we had the honor or the privilege to love or to be loved in such a manor, even if it was for just a short amount of time. For when we are frail and ailing, how many of us will be able to lose ourselves in the memories to escape from the hell of getting old? I can only hope that someday, when I sit in the place of my “Wahty”, that maybe, just maybe…I can hold onto the few memories I do have of little rooms and late afternoons and fade away to that far off place where nothing hurts and your always loved. My grandmother, no matter how she is or will be become, will always be “Wahty” and I thank God everyday that I was lucky enough to have her.

Can it be?

2007-06-20T15:58:00.000-05:00

We get out of bed, turn on the water and start the motions of the day. We take our actions for granted each and ever day it seems, realizing that there is never going to be a time where we stop and say “ enough is enough” and try to recapture the essence of what it was that we thought we were or could have been. Or, is there? Is there going to come a point that we all just throw up our hands and figure out that it is going to be enough, that we are going to get to stand along that fence line with the smile that we seemed to have misplaced so very long ago? I can say that I have found that smile escaping from my lips as of late. How, it seems to be a miracle, and still a bit perplexing. However, even in its peculiarity, it is escaping. Is it the new adventure that I have started, possibly? Could it be that I have finally ended where I started somewhere in the vicinity of thirteen years ago, probably. Or, is it just the fact that life is just life and I have come to terms with the fact that I am my mother’s daughter and that I better just sit back and make some damn good lemonade with that bundle of lemons that I have been thrown?

It takes Only One ....

2007-04-29T16:23:00.000-05:00

How can one person, just one person, take the perspective you have had on a certain topic and totally annihilate it in one grand swoop? You hold a certain view of how relationships are and how people are, and then someone comes along and makes a total sham of what you thought originally. Frankly, it scares the hell out of me. You think you feel a certain way about a person, you go through the motions, then they say or do something and you find yourself looking in the mirror saying “you’re in trouble here”, secretly hoping that somewhere they are saying the same thing. You can’t say anything, for you know that if you do, they are going to go running, screaming into the night, so you sit. You wait for their next move. Knowing that you’re not going anywhere, they are not going anywhere, but you wait. However, while waiting, they have no idea that you have fallen for them hard and without warning. It is such a helpless feeling, the feeling of knowing how you feel but not how they do. Well, you know but you don’t. It is a roller coaster ride that is for the record books and one that neither one of you will ever forget.

Can't We Just Say It Already?

2007-04-17T16:11:00.000-05:00

Watching television last night, I watched Charlie from Two and Half Men find his heart. Well, maybe not his heart, but he found a spot in an emotional desert that had not been breached in ages or maybe ever. He actually started missing another human being. I see this in others quite often in our society which shows how much we have cut off each other in our hardened world. Why have we become so latent in our emotions that we feel so little for the opposite sex? That we are afraid to tell the ones that we love or like with such ferocity that we are having those said emotions? Do we have such little faith in our own selves as of late that we do not feel that we will survive the ordeal if in fact it turns south? What if we do not take that chance and it was the chance of a lifetime? What if that was our Cinderella or Casablanca moment, are we just willing to watch that wither away for a fear of intimacy or rejection?

Seatbelt's Anyone?

2007-04-10T20:40:00.000-05:00

Can we really just keep it simple? That is the question I am posed with at the moment. Can you keep something simple even though the history that is there is more profound then subtle? I talked previously about how things are different for each individual, however, when writing that I did not realize how hard those very true words would be. It is a agonizing ordeal to watch someone that is so close to your heart either hurt, have confusion, or just not realize what your feeling and you cannot talk to them about it for it will push them farther away. That your not expecting them to jump in the air and feel all the emotions you are, for that is just not life. If life were easy, it wouldn't be worth living. In all honesty, you just try to make the person feel special. To let someone know that they have touched another person in such a prolific way, who doesn't want to hear that?Life is just one big,complicated roller coaster ride, always moving always turning. If you don't have your seat belt on, it may just dump you at turn 3.

Quiet

2007-04-10T13:18:00.000-05:00

Why can we not speak our minds? Why is it so hard to express thoughts, emotions, and desires to one another? Is it the evolution of past experiences that bind us to this never-ending silence, that we sit in our silence and fret over what should have been said or needs to be said instead of just being honest and forthcoming. We sit in our miserable states waiting for someone to talk, no matter how painful the topic might become or already is. We need that ability to move on in life, be it the way you want or the process of healing. Either way, it is a silence that cannot be ignored for it will consume every inch of you, inhabit your thoughts, and invade your soul until you are paralyzed with uncertainty. The sound of silence can be refreshing but it also can be a permanent reminder of just how alone we really are.

Awkward Silence

2007-04-09T00:31:00.000-05:00

It’s that moment, the one with the awkward silence. Someone wants to say something, needs to say something, yet everything remains unsaid. The air palpable while you wait for the next word or breath to be taken. Why is it that we are so afraid of our emotions, or other people’s emotions for that matter? Why can we just not be truthful with each other? I know that the past is a major player in the the game of hide and seek of emotion and feelings, but what are we really gaining by keeping the right to remain silent?

Choosing the Path.

2007-04-06T18:36:00.000-05:00

Confused, bewildered, befuddled, all words that describe learning about life, love, and just being alive. One minute things seem to be right on track, maybe a bit askew from where you thought they would be, but nonetheless going on a good path. Bam!!! You are blindsided by feelings that come from no where. Am I ok? Did I do something wrong? Am I making sure I did everything right? Insecurity is a bitch and there is nothing any of us can do about it but sit and hope for the best when it strikes. We all have been there, do not try to sell me out on you have never experienced it. We all have, for we all have own little peccadilloes. You try and tell yourself that your ok with everything in your life, you go from day to day making the ends meet, the I’s dotted, and the t’s crossed. Then you look at the person in the mirror one day and just say “Who the hell are you and what are you doing?” You find yourself confronted with situations where you thought you would feel one thing but you’re on the complete other side of the spectrum when you come right to it. The road that we choose I think in reality chooses us. We tend to never be able to make our own paths, we may be able to lay the foundations, but the path itself is a completely insane journey of twists, turns, and ultimately a few tears that cannot be foretold. It is never easy this life, but then again,if it were easy it wouldn’t be worth living.

Romance and Movies.

2007-04-05T10:39:00.000-05:00

Ok. I think it is safe to say that many of us have watched way too many old-fashioned romantic movies. I admit it, I am one of them. I am at least steadfast in knowing that no one is going to show up at my door telling me that the sun, moon, and stars revolves around my getting up every morning. Nor am I so stuck in my “Casablanca” world to think that that the one person is going to wake up one morning and realize that I am the one. Movies are a downfall and a weakness to the female agenda and a hardship to all males in the world. We tend to fall into the realm of thinking that THAT is how life should be, that we should be swept up in a whirlwind of romantic notions and dreamy settings that we can rekindle time and again. Would it be nice if we could have those moments, of course. However, I am starting to find that it is those little moments of “wonderful” that you get that are just as promising as what you would get from a “huge” production. There is just as much thought, or maybe not, into those little things. Maybe it was just a word or two, or a phone call, or maybe it was just a funny thing that happened on the way to the Forum… (Ha) but it was something. That something made you tingle and smile, and that was worth everything.

The Voice That Used To Be

2007-04-05T09:00:00.000-05:00

Once Upon A Time….The beginning of every fairy tale that ever was. That was the beginning of my life as a singer. I used to love being on that stage, the large spotlight shining on my long blonde hair as it flowed in the fans as I belted out each song that was given to me. Soaking up the applause from the crowd as I ended the high notes, realizing that I was actually good at something, this something that made me noticeable. Singing was a release, a release of emotions that had been pent up of over the years. I could sing about anger, frustration, love, or just about life. It did not matter who I was when I walked out on stage, it was who I was when I opened my mouth that counted. Knowing I could tell someone how I feel without them knowing I was speaking to them was the most powerful experience in existence. Only a singer can feel that power, that strength. You can reveal so much about your soul through a song. Time went on however, children came, and so did life. Singing became a distant memory. My kids ask me to sing a great deal, loving to hear all their favorite songs from mom. Friends get an added bonus as they have a free soloist at their weddings and events, and I get the memory of the spotlight. I remember how hot and inviting it felt on my face and the shouts from the crowd as I finished. I remember what is was like to open my mouth and have people in awe. It was an extraordinary feeling, one that is only felt once in a lifetime I suppose. I am one of the lucky few that were able to experience that rush, that thrill of the stage. I am so very thankful I was able to experience the limelight, even if it was so very short-lived.

Mirror Of Reality.

2007-04-04T19:57:00.000-05:00

Learning who you are is a joyful yet painful struggle. You must learn the ups and the downs of yourself. Looking full fledged into the mirror of reality can be a kick in the ass if you’re not mentally prepared for what you’re going to see. I find that when you look deep within yourself, the demons that you have been wrestling can either leave or fight harder than ever imagined. So, the question is do we really need to look? Do we really need to see what is lurking below to see what it is that is waiting for us on the other side? I am finding that inevitably the answer is yes. Unfortunately, we must find out what those pesky little rascals have in there that is keeping us from the joys of the outside world. We all want to experience the laughter, the romance, and the joyful whispers of happiness ringing in our ears. Some of us want to experience that in just being able to move on with life, others want to find that in one another. Which ever the case maybe, it is that mirror of reality that is the key to what we need to find I am afraid. It is what holds us to face up to what we really need to achieve to find our goals, what ever they may be.

Why Must Everything End in Love?

2007-04-03T20:28:00.000-05:00

Disclaimer: The following post was composed after a converstation with a few people who could not understand why we all must be in love or committed in some fashion. This being posed to a die-hard end-all be all Casablanca type romantic ( even though sadley I must confess I am one of those people!)...Sheeshh!!!

When we think about relationships and ultimately sex, we equate that to love. Why does everything have to end in love? Are we supposed to have this fulfilling notion each and every time we find ourselves attracted to an individual? In our society it seems as if we say if you’re not in love or you not attached, you’re broken. You have some piece of the puzzle missing and you just simply cannot be whole until you find it. Wouldn’t it be a shocker to most to find out that some of us are just happy and content not having to argue over which side of the bed to sleep on or who was the last to use the toilet paper! These little things are quite nice on occasion but for the most part can be quite tedious and time constraining. Why can’t a relationship be just a relationship? Two people share conversation, they laugh, they eat together on occasion, and yes, there are intimate moments shared between the two. However, they have separate lives, homes, and know where their limits are. What is broken about that? Why does society have such an outlook on people who know who they are and are not afraid of being themselves?

Only Time Will Tell.

2007-03-31T13:45:00.000-05:00

As I sit here thinking about life,relationships, and love I have come to realize something. There is no plan, no script in which to follow. Nothing prepares you for how to feel or what to say. Oh how I wish there was. I realize that trying is not what is needed. Letting life happen is how the romance is evolved. If you just sit back and watch life roll by like the gentle breeze or the tide, you find that things come full circle, no matter how lost you think it has become. No, it may not be exactly how you pictured it but it happens. I have started to learn that putting away the hurt and the fear is the only way to find true peace within yourself. I am not completely there yet, in fact I feel I have a long, long way to go. However, I have started to let go of some of my anxiety about life and my shortcomings. I have started to understand that just breathing in and out is all that can be done on certain days. Sitting still in a dark room, closing your eyes to hear only your breath and "Sweet Baby James" sifting softly from the stereo is all that can be accomplished to keep your head above water. It is a lonely road, love and "LIKE" when you get right down to it. Not one person perceives it the same. It is a mix of emotions and ideas that can get jumbled so quickly. Some perceive it as a gift, some perceive it as a curse. Sometimes, both. In the end, we all find it and embrace it. Whether it be for a lifetime or for just a few moments. Which ever it is, I think that at this point in my life I am better prepared to handle which ever comes down my sandy, palm lined path. I will be sitting in the beach chair, watching the waves calmly roll in, waiting for a chance at my "happy". I do not know how or why that will happen. Maybe it won't. All I can say is " Here's Lookin' at you Kid' when it does.

Never Again or Never Say Never

2007-03-18T14:34:00.001-05:00

Is life now so jaded for those who have lost in love that we might just never recover? This is the feeling and question I come across more often than not when talking with others about love. More to the point, when talking to myself about love I have the inability to convince myself that optimism can lead to greatness. It is just a greater feeling of relief to allow myself to sit back and just say “never again”. Should I really be saying “never say never?” It is a perplexing thought to me when trying to think of the opposite sex in anything other than friendship form. Can we really let go of those feelings of despair and loneliness from past experiences and relationships to forge new ones? Or do we just go through life piece mealing each relationship into the next, trying to make the perfect match instead of just letting it happen? I have found that we become just so sensitive to our own thoughts and agendas that we forget that the other people that we are “involved” with may have an opinion of their own. Or more importantly, may have more to say then we do. It is a never-ending, up-hill battle that seems to find many of us tired and at wits end. As I recall a conversation with a very close friend of mine, he stated to me that “He felt as if he had to control all things for that way he had the power as to control the hurt”. Are we all going to be in this endless power struggle because neither side trusts the other when all is said and done? Are we to that horrid point in life that no one is to be happy because romance and genuine feelings are a thing of the past? It is such a sad state of affairs. I will admit, I am guilty as charged in the “Please do not hug me-I might break” society. Maybe it is a shield to protect myself; maybe I am missing a sensitivity chip and will never be able to openly accept affection. Is it a defect or is it just from years of constant pain, sorrow, and let-down that has brought me to the notion that it is just easier to not have love than it is to lose it?

Who is that Old Broad in My Bikini?

2007-03-15T19:20:00.000-05:00

As we grow older, we find ourselves looking in that mirror wondering “Who in the HELL is that?” Who is that person with the wrinkles around the eyes or the sagging body parts that used to be so perky? We wonder when did gravity strike us and have others noticed? We start to doubt ourselves when we are in our intimate moments. Can we recover from this immortal damnation that we call aging with something other than the knife? I say yes my friends. It is called humor. For humor is the only thing that can get me through knowing that my chest now proceeds me on the roll over to the other side of the bed while turning. We must all learn to laugh at our little peccadilloes. We must embrace our saggy boobies and droopy behinds. We must learn to giggle at the fact that we can no longer laugh without needing to bend over a bit in order not to tinkle on ourselves. We women must learn to embrace that little pooch that is our mommy belly that no matter how hard we try or how many sit ups we conquer it just isn’t going to go away. We can yell at it, we can curse at it. Hell, we can even vow to cut it off. The best we can do is name it and call it our own for it is there for the long run ladies. Men, we women embrace the changes in your bodies. We giggle at you but we have grown fond of the fact that we are not the only ones that jiggle in new places. Let’s face it, gravity just plain sucks! There is no better word than that to describe it. Life runs its course then runs straight across our face, it is a cruel force of nature that should be met with a grain of salt and a heap of laughter. For humor is what you need when you look in the mirror and you say " Who is that old broad in my bikini?".

Comfort

2007-03-05T14:51:00.000-05:00

The following is a message I sent to a friend who was having a very hard time dealing with a loss of a loved one. When I read the words back, I realized that even I had not done what I had written to my friend. I had not just taken a step back to breathe in the world, to just live.

"People come and go, that is the truth and the circle of life. However, our lives are molded and shaped by those who have come into it. We could keep everyone at a distance shielding ourselves from the probable hurt and discomfort we would feel upon their leaving, whether that leaving be by choice or by nature. We would only be left with this empty void that we would have no way of filling. Our souls are not made by instinct but by example and by experience. We are who were are by what we have done in our lives. It is what makes us unique and makes us real and human. Things hurt, believe me, I should be the shining example of that statement. However, the hurt fades and the realization of that fact that life is still moving, breathing, and livable hits you. You move on. You get out of that bed, smiling occasionally. You will notice the sun is shining brighter and the trees are a bit greener someday. Maybe not today, nor tomorrow. But one day you will notice, and it is that day that your "happy" will be back. I promise, it is waiting somewhere. You just need to step back and wait for it.."

Use Your Heart, Not Your Words

2007-03-03T11:17:00.000-05:00

Changing schools is always a huge ordeal; you have left your friends and your comfort zone. You have put all your energy into the school you have just left and now are expected to try and build a whole new life in this vast, strange world. Yes, that was what was expected of me between my 6th and 7th grade year of junior high in 1987, but it did not stop there. Not only was I asked to change schools, I was asked to start school right after a major surgery in which I was to start school on crutches. It would not have been so terrible had I been in casts or in a wheelchair, which I could have handled. However, to start with normal legs, or so they appeared, and to have to walk with crutches was so horrifying to me. You see, I have clubfoot. A deformity which I was born with in both the left and right foot, leaving me with over 15 surgeries on each leg up until the age of 18. I was never ashamed of my legs, until that day. I wanted to crawl into a hole and never return to the light. I did not make to many friends that day. Some people remembered me from when we went to the same grade school from before, so they had said hello, but kids are cruel. I received stares, laughter, and humiliation throughout the entire day. It was probably the most horrific day of my entire life. The problem was, it stuck with me and the rest of them forever. No one forgot that I was handicapped. I forgot the minute I could lose the crutches, but they still saw them. It is so sad that people cannot see past the physical and see what is on the inside of people. I truly believe there is more to life than a crutch or a wheelchair. People have more to offer than the speed at which they can run, walk, or jump. I believe it is what is in you heart that moves you neither your feet nor your body.

This post was written for the People History. You can visit this website at www.thepeoplehistory.com

Does It Really Come Back Around?

2007-02-26T09:16:00.001-05:00

When you lose in love, you feel like all is lost. You can hear every sound, every motion made by the smallest of objects floating along the breeze. The breeze is cooler, the leaves rustle louder on the tree in the gentle wind, and sun is just a bit stronger in your eyes. You look at the world as if it just became so large that it will swallow you whole just by stepping outside the door. Love and relationships have this enormous way of consuming every inch of your soul, taking all of your senses and manipulating them to see what it wants you to see. When that is gone, or if it was not real or hidden, the pain that was there all along is palpable and so compressing it feels as if your being crushed at all angles. As we emerge from this state of repression and smallness, we really must ask this question: Does it really come back around? We all become re-involved in relationships and life, but do we really reclaim the trust, that sense of calmness with the person in which we have found? Our hearts are so eager to feel that excitement, that passion; can we really be sure that we are so trusting of that other person or do we immediately implant our preconceived notions of failure onto that person because we have subconsciously failed to let go of the past? Do some of us avoid relationships just because we are afraid of love and afraid of being hurt so that we just cannot let ourselves feel that intimacy again? That we feel that we cannot let go of the past so that we just isolate ourselves to a life of unfeeling and loneliness rather than feel that joy even if it is for just a moment? Maybe the question of it coming back around will never be answered? Maybe we just can never know why we are why we are. This also could just be the ramblings of a hopeless romantic still looking at the stars with all her might knowing that someday that somewhere it will come back. It has to, right?

Who Knew Forrest Gump Had It Right?

2007-02-24T20:35:00.000-05:00

Who knew that those few words of that catchy little phrase would hold so much meaning, so much power? "Life is like a box of chocolate's, you never know what your going to get". No truer statement has ever been uttered has it? It is the truth that you must first take a bite out of life before you realize what it is your going to get out of it. The same goes for love and relationships. You have no clue what is going to happen until you try. I guess you could just sit alone in your room, watching old movies waiting for the the world to change. Believe you me, I have pondered the notion as of late. But, where would that get me but a tired,lonely heart with no memories to share and no one to have shared them with. I would rather have a few moments of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special. For that is what life is all about really. Those few moments, the moments that make you realize you are alive. That is what life is made up of, that is what your legacy is about. It is about the people you have touched while you were here that matters the most, not what you have left behind.

Can We Really Learn From a Script?

2007-02-23T10:57:00.001-05:00

We all have done it, sat up and screamed “Exactly” at the movie or television screen when the script writer has given the perfect answer to the actor or actress and they have displayed in such a way that it is obvious that no one would be able to miss it. However, is it that obvious? Can we all get that subtle hint that is being nudged in our general direction? Can we really learn love from a script? Men, I have noticed, are so uneager to attend the proverbial “chic flick” for one reason and one reason only-FEAR. Fear that they are going to be scrutinized every minute that the female that they with are will be analyzing every thing they have done up until that point and may decide that they need to move to greener and plusher pastures. However, what the men do not realize is that the girls are on that same date thinking “What haven’t I done to make him want to be like that with me”. So you see, the “chic flick” is not just torture for the male species but for the female mind as well. We go to these movies or watch these television shows because we want to know that true love is out there, that in some form love is real, tangible, and in bloom. We want to think that the unimaginable is actually plausible. That someday that one person who didn’t think that “happy” was attainable can look in the mirror and see that happy was just around the corner that whole time waiting. Script writers bring out emotions deep inside that we try to say are not really there, that we say we do not feel for the fear of hurt and sorrow. We have become afraid of love and affection, afraid of the need of human contact. We allow ourselves to become involved in the movies and in the television because we know its not forever. We can relate to that shortness of time and inevitability that it will leave someday. We cannot equate that in real life trials and tribulations. We cannot establish in our hearts that level of readiness for the end in love, so we form walls and build hard shells in hopes to keep those feelings from getting all the way through. Maybe some day we will learn to “Hear” and “Learn” from the script writers. Maybe we can actually live a page or two from our beloved movies and hopefully maybe just maybe, we can find that true love isn’t just $8.50 and the phrase “Pass the popcorn”.

Things Change When You Become A Mom-At 19

2007-02-22T17:07:00.000-05:00

It was a hard choice, the choice I made to become a teenage mother at the age of 19. I did not go looking to do this, it just happened. It was not a wish that was granted by my fairy Godmother, for I would have asked for the body of a Victoria Secret model and the money of Donald Trump. No, this was a decision that was made by shear nerve and perseverance, to know that I was making the ultimate sacrifice for something that I truly believed in. I knew that deep in my heart that I was meant to be a mother, I just wasn’t prepared for it to have happened so early on in life. However, I took it in stride. I gave birth to a healthy, beautiful baby boy. I named him after a wonderful friend and a charismatic little charmer of a boy in my class at the school where I was a teacher aide at the time. It was not easy, not by any means. I struggled; I struggled to maintain a life of my own and the life of a mother. To some, it was if I had died. They thought because I could not go out, I had be given a death sentence. They had no idea the joy that came with being able to hold and soothe a small, helpless life that solely depended on you. There were others that viewed from a distance looking down through their lashes at what they thought was sin, a young girl out of wed-lock with a young baby with no father. The only sin was the thoughts they were having of my child and me. I held my head high through the hard times and through the good. It is a lonely place to be when you have had a child at such a young age, no one really understands unless you have been there. Unless you have given up your entire existence to give life to another, you cannot even fathom the loneliness that comes every night when you close your eyes. To have not experienced life as others have is a tremendous burden to bear. To which I must say I would not trade that burden for one moment if it meant I would not have my son, for he is my soul. No matter how hard my day with him as been, he is my life at the end of it. My children are the air I breathe each and every day. Learning to grow with my children as been a journey I will never forget as I hope they will remember how their mom gave her all to them as they grow to be men. I hope they can take that love to their families and learn from their moms’ mistakes and remember that it is not what you have or who you know, but how you love that matters.

A New Road.

2007-02-19T20:41:00.000-05:00

" We hold these truths to be self-evident. That all men are created equal." Is this not what the doctrine of our great nation proclaim? Is that not what we fight for every day in and out of this land to preserve so fervently? Everywhere we turn these days we see the abuse of the political front on each and every corner of rural and city America. When did our choices become governed by the States and by the Democracy? When did we lose our right to choose whom we love, how we conceive, and how we heal? When did we lose our rights as people of this great land? It did not happen with Bush, it did not happen with Clinton, however unyielding in their strides to try,it was not them. It was us, We the people. We the people gave up our freedoms by forgetting to vote on election day or saying we were to tired to care. We the people throw away our choice when we choose to let the voices come from single minded individuals who are only out there to bolster a race, religion, or single cause. We the people need to stand firm for one common cause-We the People. It is us that is suffering and with no hand to pull us up from the brink. We the people are caught in the cross-fire of a blood shed of power and greed. No more is this great Democracy about strength, pride, and civil liberties. It is now about money, power, and the hold of the globe in it's entirety. So many want it, so few attain it. It is so much stronger today than it was in years past. We are watching the first woman and African-American run for the Presidency. Never were there higher stakes than these, than watching to see if this country proceeds on making history or making choices. We the people have to start realizing that if we do not start thinking and making "Choices" we will lose this great nation to a game that has been long played but never with such costly stakes. We must demand that our country be returned to us before we lose her. We must demand that she is brought to some resemblance of her former self. We must stop the bickering amongst ourselves day in and day out about war, research, and the line between red and blue. This is a line between America and the death of a nation. Are we willing to lose that war?

Does Cinderella Really Get Her Slipper Back?

2007-02-18T16:39:00.000-05:00

We all read the story, the young girl who is ill-fated by the untimely death of her father to be trapped into a life of despair with her wretched step-mother and two foul-tempered step-sisters. We speak of Cinderella, the poor servant girl who is transformed by her fairy-Godmother into a ravishingly beautiful maiden then swept off to the ball to find the prince and rescued from her prison home. Is she really? The story doesn’t go any further than the Prince marries Cinderella and takes her away in the carriage? No one goes into the trials and tribulations of a relationship or marriage with a young girl or even a young man for that matter. Maybe if someone would have sat down with more of us when we were younger, we would have been better prepared to handle the situations that were faced as married couples or involved couples. For we all have some pre-conceived notion that we should have some Cinderella moment that someone should come rescue us, when in fact, we should rescue ourselves.
Recently I was watching the movie “Parenthood” with Steve Martin. I have never had relationships described in such a way as in this particular scene in this movie. The grandmother, whom wise beyond her years, is being escorted out to the car to go see one of Steve Martin’s characters’ children’s school play. She over hears the heated discussion between Martin and Mary Steenburgen’s characters on their relationship and their pregnancy. The grandmother starts to describe a roller coaster ride that her late husband had taken her on long ago; how the ride had twists and turns. That it jostled her up and down, that she was frightened and full of joy all at the same time. She mentioned that some people had opted to just go on the Merry-Go-Round, however that just went around and around in circles not giving any excitement or adventure to anything. Grandma had said that she preferred the roller coaster; she enjoyed the unexpected and excited rather than the dull and uneventful. The writer of that script had been very insightful day that day. Relationships really rather are like roller coasters and merry-go-rounds. You can either live them with excitement or live them with rigid structure and no surprises. It all rather depends on the form in which you tend to live your life. In relationships, we all cater to the notion that somewhere is that person who is going to steal our breath away. It is the life that has been built around that preverbal Hollywood dream. That romantic vision that has been embedded in our thoughts as young girls as we drifted off to sleep. The visions of Knights in armor on their noble steeds wielding their swords to vanquish the horrid queen that held us captive in the tower above. Can we really believe the notion that real, true love exists? Or is real, true love not what we find but what we make? I think that somewhere someone forgot to mention that it is up to us to fill in the blanks to make sure that Cinderella gets her slipper back, that happy ever after was attainable, just hard to reach. It is never easy to question one’s true intentions when in a relationships, however I feel that could be what’s missing in the puzzle we call life and romance. We are not allowing us to actually look deep inside ourselves to find what we truly need for fear of what we might find. We should not be afraid of who we truly are, for each of us are unique and special in a way that someone out there is going to find irresistibly charming and seductive. It is up to us to find out if Cinderella really does get her slipper back.

Finding Happy.

2007-02-17T16:27:00.000-05:00

There is a line in a song from the movie "Footloose" that phrases “Where have all the good men gone and where are all the Gods?". There could be no truer statement utter in any language to date. I do not utter those words to be a cynic, as the wife of a new found friend has pointed out that I am. I say those words in response to a growing custom of men, and women I must add, that are so perplexed by the way society is that they are no longer optimistic about anything in life, including the opposite sex. I must admit, I am included in that portion of the people who have given up waiting for the knight in shining armor or the maiden to let down her hair. I feel that long gone are the days of our grandparents where true love was not just something that was talked about but actually happened. Men loved their wives passionately and without fail and women needed their men in their lives not because it was expected but because it was their honor and their privilege. I can say that I do not feel jaded in thinking that my children will never see this for my parents are the epitome of the cliché of the happy couple. My father is so deeply devoted and in love with my mother that there is no hope of recovery. I can only hope that my two darling boys take it all in and see that it is how you really love a woman. Totally and hopelessly without holding back, regardless of what the future might hold.
In our day and age, I feel we have forgotten the ways of Bogart and Hepburn. I think we have misplaced that romantic notion somewhere. So many of us have built walls that are unbreakable that we have forgotten how to take them down when someone wants to be let in. A friend of mine views this as a fine line between possible or probable. How have we gotten this far gone in the world of romance or just in life? We need to find ourselves again amongst the ruins of relationships past, present, and future. We cannot hold back because of the hurt or anguish that we might have felt at the hands or hearts of someone else. Someone may be out there, right in front of us, which is that perfect solution to "HAPPY". For me, I just go with the flow. I know that I tuck those angels in at night and I smile. I know that someday my "happy" will happen. It may be soon, it may be when I am 80, but it will happen. My happy could be just being me, who knows. I know that I am happy just being a mom, but I know that maybe one day I will enjoy being someone Else's "happy" just as much.

Where the Door Is Always Open..

2007-02-16T17:47:00.000-05:00

As you follow the roads on this water encapsulated paradise, you find yourself covered by the larger towering live oaks that sway in the ever present breeze that catches your breath every moment that your here. This is why I stay, for even if you do not have a soft heart or a kind eye, you cannot but help to be seduced by her beauty. Amelia is a place of sweet surrender of all senses. Hearing my children laughing as they play with their friends through the neighborhood in which we live, the calls of the hawks that fly overhead, and the sound of the ocean that you can hear even though we are 7/10 of a mile from it. All enchanting, all encompassing. Walking downtown, listening to the different sounds of life coming from the store fronts as you walk by. Watching the different styles of tourists and locals alike as they walk side by side on the sidewalks where memories are made. Hearing Ms.Cyndi or Mr. Bob as they ride by in their carriages on the elegant tours of historic Fernandina. Hearing the whoops from passersby as Mr. Felix sells his peanuts from his bikes and plays his melodic harmonica. These are the sounds of south in its prime. These are the sounds of Amelia. Children, laughter, surf, tears, joy, and pain. All of these have made this town such a staple on the chart of every person that has ever come across her. This is why I have made her my home and why I shall never leave her. Amelia, for where your heart is always captured and where the door is always open.

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall..I am my Mother...EEK!!

2007-02-15T20:08:00.000-05:00

While we are young, we have all uttered those infamous words “I will never say that to my children!". Yet, here we are eating those words in which we muttered under our breath so many years ago. For it is now we understand why some animals eat their young and why our mothers’ hair turned that shade of grey so early on in life. It had nothing to do with bad genes or poor diet, it had to do with the un-ending torrent of "Mine's" and "Stop touching me's" or the preverbal " I had it first's". Our mothers were not crazed women; they were normal beings being pushed to that point where the filmmakers got the idea for the movie the "Exorcist". That was not the work of some psychotic mind, which was a memory from youth I'm sure. Mothers are our joy and our pain, all in the same memory of life, as we grow we realize that we have become them in so many ways. We take on not only their way of parenting, but their way of life. They taught us to live as well as to grow. That is how mothers know that each grey hair was worth the glass of wine, the occasional meltdown in middle of the crowded restaurant as they told the world they would never go in public with us again. These are their moments, the shining examples of their life's work. They are remembered in life by what they leave behind...US.

The BeachWalkers.

2007-02-13T21:24:00.000-05:00

I went for my daily 2 mile walk today and realized something, love was in the air. Older couples lined the beach today, hand in hand as they strolled along the frothy shore line gazing at the stray seagull or two flying near by. It's Valentines again. That time of year, where no matter what age you are, you find yourself giddy and full of emotion. It was as I was looking around that I realized that I did not see anyone my own age on that beach. No one playing hooky to get a head start on the next days activities or to enjoy the warm, summer like day that had been bestowed upon us like a gift. I am so sad that more of us cannot appreciate life the way our grandparents did and their parents before them. It seemed as if time was of an essence back then and they made the most of every second. Now it just seems as if each second is fleeting and we shall never get it back. Valentines should be a day to remember all the little things about each other, be it lover or friend, that brought you close. We should remember all those kind words and actions that made us feel special when it came to those special people in our lives. We must remember that life is not forever and we do fade away. Time is a treasure to be lost that we cannot get back so we must make the most of what little of we have. We must look at the relationships of the beach walkers and realize that those shore-gazing couples do what we all need to do: make time for the little things... For those are what are most important.

Home is Where the Car Is....

2007-02-12T22:01:00.000-05:00

As we travel past our invariable youth, we notice that not only do our bodies morph from these gorgeous pillars of youthful vigor to sagging, gravity-ravaged shells of our former selves, but our choices in vehicles are changing as well. We have gone from the sporty, fun two seater for two to the seven passenger house on wheels that can comfortably fit not only the family of five but the stray animal and neighborhood child as well. We have stealthy chosen the car that has the amply provided cup holders for those 'in-car' meals that happen so often in our fast-paced society. We have slowly morphed our family time at home to car time between errands, practice, and work. From game-boys, psp's, and beyond we are a portable society that is held together by one simple plug in the front of every car in America. Without this plug, the cell phones would die, no games would be played, no DVDs to be watched. Life as we know it would cease to exist. Remember, home is where the car is......

Starting My Life with Words.

2007-02-12T18:04:00.000-05:00

With some prompting from a new found fan of my way with words, I have found myself starting a new era with the life of blogging. My fondness of poetic yarns and coining a few sparkling phrases now and then has been turning more into a career as of late than of a hobby. It could have been the crossing of the time line of the twenties to the thirties, which I must say was a shock to the system that is crying out for its youth. I have found myself being able to find the wisdom that my mother had been talking about, the wisdom of age and maturity. Not to say that I do not still have a few youthful "fro licks" left in this woman's body!
My writing for those who may never have read anything that I have written is not typical of what you may find in the general blog. I write to provoke thought and emotion from those who may not have known it was there. I write for everyone. I hope that all may take something from my words and keep it with them, even if for just a little while. For having touched someone for an instant is better than having never made a difference.