Choosing the Path.

Confused, bewildered, befuddled, all words that describe learning about life, love, and just being alive. One minute things seem to be right on track, maybe a bit askew from where you thought they would be, but nonetheless going on a good path. Bam!!! You are blindsided by feelings that come from no where. Am I ok? Did I do something wrong? Am I making sure I did everything right? Insecurity is a bitch and there is nothing any of us can do about it but sit and hope for the best when it strikes. We all have been there, do not try to sell me out on you have never experienced it. We all have, for we all have own little peccadilloes. You try and tell yourself that your ok with everything in your life, you go from day to day making the ends meet, the I’s dotted, and the t’s crossed. Then you look at the person in the mirror one day and just say “Who the hell are you and what are you doing?” You find yourself confronted with situations where you thought you would feel one thing but you’re on the complete other side of the spectrum when you come right to it. The road that we choose I think in reality chooses us. We tend to never be able to make our own paths, we may be able to lay the foundations, but the path itself is a completely insane journey of twists, turns, and ultimately a few tears that cannot be foretold. It is never easy this life, but then again,if it were easy it wouldn’t be worth living.

Romance and Movies.

Ok. I think it is safe to say that many of us have watched way too many old-fashioned romantic movies. I admit it, I am one of them. I am at least steadfast in knowing that no one is going to show up at my door telling me that the sun, moon, and stars revolves around my getting up every morning. Nor am I so stuck in my “Casablanca” world to think that that the one person is going to wake up one morning and realize that I am the one. Movies are a downfall and a weakness to the female agenda and a hardship to all males in the world. We tend to fall into the realm of thinking that THAT is how life should be, that we should be swept up in a whirlwind of romantic notions and dreamy settings that we can rekindle time and again. Would it be nice if we could have those moments, of course. However, I am starting to find that it is those little moments of “wonderful” that you get that are just as promising as what you would get from a “huge” production. There is just as much thought, or maybe not, into those little things. Maybe it was just a word or two, or a phone call, or maybe it was just a funny thing that happened on the way to the Forum… (Ha) but it was something. That something made you tingle and smile, and that was worth everything.

The Voice That Used To Be

Once Upon A Time….The beginning of every fairy tale that ever was. That was the beginning of my life as a singer. I used to love being on that stage, the large spotlight shining on my long blonde hair as it flowed in the fans as I belted out each song that was given to me. Soaking up the applause from the crowd as I ended the high notes, realizing that I was actually good at something, this something that made me noticeable. Singing was a release, a release of emotions that had been pent up of over the years. I could sing about anger, frustration, love, or just about life. It did not matter who I was when I walked out on stage, it was who I was when I opened my mouth that counted. Knowing I could tell someone how I feel without them knowing I was speaking to them was the most powerful experience in existence. Only a singer can feel that power, that strength. You can reveal so much about your soul through a song. Time went on however, children came, and so did life. Singing became a distant memory. My kids ask me to sing a great deal, loving to hear all their favorite songs from mom. Friends get an added bonus as they have a free soloist at their weddings and events, and I get the memory of the spotlight. I remember how hot and inviting it felt on my face and the shouts from the crowd as I finished. I remember what is was like to open my mouth and have people in awe. It was an extraordinary feeling, one that is only felt once in a lifetime I suppose. I am one of the lucky few that were able to experience that rush, that thrill of the stage. I am so very thankful I was able to experience the limelight, even if it was so very short-lived.

Mirror Of Reality.

Learning who you are is a joyful yet painful struggle. You must learn the ups and the downs of yourself. Looking full fledged into the mirror of reality can be a kick in the ass if you’re not mentally prepared for what you’re going to see. I find that when you look deep within yourself, the demons that you have been wrestling can either leave or fight harder than ever imagined. So, the question is do we really need to look? Do we really need to see what is lurking below to see what it is that is waiting for us on the other side? I am finding that inevitably the answer is yes. Unfortunately, we must find out what those pesky little rascals have in there that is keeping us from the joys of the outside world. We all want to experience the laughter, the romance, and the joyful whispers of happiness ringing in our ears. Some of us want to experience that in just being able to move on with life, others want to find that in one another. Which ever the case maybe, it is that mirror of reality that is the key to what we need to find I am afraid. It is what holds us to face up to what we really need to achieve to find our goals, what ever they may be.

Why Must Everything End in Love?

Disclaimer: The following post was composed after a converstation with a few people who could not understand why we all must be in love or committed in some fashion. This being posed to a die-hard end-all be all Casablanca type romantic ( even though sadley I must confess I am one of those people!)...Sheeshh!!!

When we think about relationships and ultimately sex, we equate that to love. Why does everything have to end in love? Are we supposed to have this fulfilling notion each and every time we find ourselves attracted to an individual? In our society it seems as if we say if you’re not in love or you not attached, you’re broken. You have some piece of the puzzle missing and you just simply cannot be whole until you find it. Wouldn’t it be a shocker to most to find out that some of us are just happy and content not having to argue over which side of the bed to sleep on or who was the last to use the toilet paper! These little things are quite nice on occasion but for the most part can be quite tedious and time constraining. Why can’t a relationship be just a relationship? Two people share conversation, they laugh, they eat together on occasion, and yes, there are intimate moments shared between the two. However, they have separate lives, homes, and know where their limits are. What is broken about that? Why does society have such an outlook on people who know who they are and are not afraid of being themselves?

Only Time Will Tell.

As I sit here thinking about life,relationships, and love I have come to realize something. There is no plan, no script in which to follow. Nothing prepares you for how to feel or what to say. Oh how I wish there was. I realize that trying is not what is needed. Letting life happen is how the romance is evolved. If you just sit back and watch life roll by like the gentle breeze or the tide, you find that things come full circle, no matter how lost you think it has become. No, it may not be exactly how you pictured it but it happens. I have started to learn that putting away the hurt and the fear is the only way to find true peace within yourself. I am not completely there yet, in fact I feel I have a long, long way to go. However, I have started to let go of some of my anxiety about life and my shortcomings. I have started to understand that just breathing in and out is all that can be done on certain days. Sitting still in a dark room, closing your eyes to hear only your breath and "Sweet Baby James" sifting softly from the stereo is all that can be accomplished to keep your head above water. It is a lonely road, love and "LIKE" when you get right down to it. Not one person perceives it the same. It is a mix of emotions and ideas that can get jumbled so quickly. Some perceive it as a gift, some perceive it as a curse. Sometimes, both. In the end, we all find it and embrace it. Whether it be for a lifetime or for just a few moments. Which ever it is, I think that at this point in my life I am better prepared to handle which ever comes down my sandy, palm lined path. I will be sitting in the beach chair, watching the waves calmly roll in, waiting for a chance at my "happy". I do not know how or why that will happen. Maybe it won't. All I can say is " Here's Lookin' at you Kid' when it does.

Never Again or Never Say Never

Is life now so jaded for those who have lost in love that we might just never recover? This is the feeling and question I come across more often than not when talking with others about love. More to the point, when talking to myself about love I have the inability to convince myself that optimism can lead to greatness. It is just a greater feeling of relief to allow myself to sit back and just say “never again”. Should I really be saying “never say never?” It is a perplexing thought to me when trying to think of the opposite sex in anything other than friendship form. Can we really let go of those feelings of despair and loneliness from past experiences and relationships to forge new ones? Or do we just go through life piece mealing each relationship into the next, trying to make the perfect match instead of just letting it happen? I have found that we become just so sensitive to our own thoughts and agendas that we forget that the other people that we are “involved” with may have an opinion of their own. Or more importantly, may have more to say then we do. It is a never-ending, up-hill battle that seems to find many of us tired and at wits end. As I recall a conversation with a very close friend of mine, he stated to me that “He felt as if he had to control all things for that way he had the power as to control the hurt”. Are we all going to be in this endless power struggle because neither side trusts the other when all is said and done? Are we to that horrid point in life that no one is to be happy because romance and genuine feelings are a thing of the past? It is such a sad state of affairs. I will admit, I am guilty as charged in the “Please do not hug me-I might break” society. Maybe it is a shield to protect myself; maybe I am missing a sensitivity chip and will never be able to openly accept affection. Is it a defect or is it just from years of constant pain, sorrow, and let-down that has brought me to the notion that it is just easier to not have love than it is to lose it?